By Jon Watkins
Rocky Mountain Collegian
Colorado State U.
(U-WIRE) FORT COLLINS, Colo. -- Twenty-two days from now a slight majority of this country's populace will listlessly drag themselves into the election booth and choose the person felt to be the lesser of two evils, the brighter of two dimwits, the more palatable of two poisons, the golden child who gets to wear the captain's hat while the ship called the United States of America slowly slips beneath the waves.
The Republican Party thoroughly examined its best and brightest, measured candidates according to lofty standards of worthiness and merit, took into account both personal dignity and intellectual aptitude, and decided, Screw all that. We'll settle for George W. Bush -- the babbling blockhead who's managed to convince his constituency that his education reforms have ushered the Lone Star State to the brink of a cultural renaissance.
Eager to demonstrate that they are not to be outdone in terms of unoriginality and sheer idiocy, the Democrats have hailed a deluded pathological liar -- our vice president -- as their choice to ascend to the highest office.
Just ask Al Gore to tell a little about himself, and you'll hear miraculous fables of a self-made man, an environmentalist, a technological visionary and inventor, a brilliant economist and a brave hero who, in 1992, was one step away from becoming mere pieces of flesh dangling from rafters in the gym of Rocky Mountain High School.
When confronted with the woeful reality that one of these two wretched choices will become president, many likely voters proudly assert that they will do their infinitesimal part to change the stupid two-party system by voting for a third party.
While their aim is commendable, it is important to realize that, in this election year, nothing substantial will come of their efforts (the most popular third-party candidate, Ralph Nader, is barely pulling 4 percent in the polls).
But since voting in today's United States is largely a futile act anyway, I wholeheartedly encourage any would-be voters reading this to impress the name of a third-party nobody on their ballot before flushing it down the toilet we call our democracy.
Allow me to be your humble guide as I present three alternatives to the two establishment morons who insult our intelligence in television advertisements and debates:
The aforementioned Ralph Nader is the presidential nominee of the Green Party. He is the legitimate choice for ecologically minded voters lucid enough to realize that Al Gore's fantastic pledges to preserve the environment are shattered by the vice president's blatant money suckling at the teat of corporations who don't give a damn about pollution.
Don't believe me? Just take the word of revered American cultural icon and Nader's good friend, ex-talk show host Phil Donahue.
For the disgruntled ultra-conservative laborers out there, Pat Buchanan is also (once again) running for president -- this time under the not-so unanimous blessing of the Reform Party.
This homosexual-loathing, immigrant-fearing, Holocaust-denying, Armageddon-preparing populist should carry tremendous appeal to those of you who feel, like he does, that George W. Bush has moved too far to the political center of the spectrum and has abandoned the irrational far-right paranoid elements which for years have made the Republican Party such a hoot to be affiliated with.
And, finally, for the anarchistically inclined, I proudly present Harry Browne, the Libertarian candidate. He wants nothing less than a savage gutting of our bloated, worthless, corrupt federal government.
When our monster bureaucracy is trimmed down to the point where it can live solely off of tariffs and excise taxes, then he'll repeal our income tax. That's right ... no more sending four to five months' worth of wages and salaries to the federal government.
We could keep all the money we rightfully earn without having to send it to a bureaucratic body whose only skill lies in indiscriminate and jaw-droppingly imbecilic spending.
Ralph Nader, Pat Buchanan and Harry Browne will be crushed by George W. Bush and Al Gore on election day.
That's a sad fact, but if you're actually going to vote on Nov. 7 (and it's perfectly understandable if you don't) then cast a vote for a third party. Perhaps in the future we'll be blessed with an electoral variety of three or four moronic choices.
(C) 2000 Rocky Mountain Collegian via U-WIRE
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