Having a hard time finding a new job now that the wheels have come off that dot-com truck? For you thousands of people in the Austin area who are out there pounding the pavement in search of work, here are some helpful tips on things NOT to say to the job interviewer:
"Boy, this place sure is all screwed up, isn't it? Give me a couple of days, and I can straighten this mess out."
"Raises: Do they come automatically, or do I have to keep asking?"
"Isn't this a little low for a starting salary, or is this place about to go belly-up just like Dell?"
"Did I come to the right building, or should I have applied in Malaysia?"
"Now, about that Christmas bonus. Is it worth a flip, or is it just another lousy pile of worthless stock options like at the last place I worked? Could we settle on a frozen turkey instead? Or how about a couple of bags of manure?"
"Quittin' time's my favorite time of day; how 'bout you?"
"I saw your over-the-top TV ads a couple of Super Bowls back. What the heck was that all about?"
"That's a pretty swank benefits package, but I'm not sure it presents me with the extensive counseling I'll require after six months of working at this dump."
"Sure, I'm desperate. If I didn't need the money, I wouldn't even slow down in y'all's parking lot."
"I'll need a couple hours off on Thursdays to visit my probation officer. But that's OK, because you'll know where I am, since they make me wear this beeper on my ankle."
"Sometimes I like to come to work in my pajamas. Is that a problem?"
"Interview, schminterview. How about you and me blow this pop stand and go suck down a cold one?"
"I can cross my eyes and wiggle my ears at the same time. Wanna see?"
"That hottie who just walked by: Do I get to sit next to her or what?"
"Yeah, I can think outside the box. Heck, I can even cut eyeholes in the box and wear it on my head."
"Hey, it was either this or mall Santa."
"Drug test? I don't need to take no stinking drug test. I already tested 'em all."
"Do I have to get my own coffee, or does somebody bring it to my desk like at the last place I got fired from?"
"Sometimes I get a little cranky before my medication kicks in, but after about 11 a.m. I'm a pretty smooth operator."
"Don't believe that part on there where it says 'Has difficulty dealing with authority figures,' or I'll slap you."
"I've heard this place needs a union, and I'm just the guy to start one up."
"Previous honors? Well, a couple of years ago, I set the Guinness record for sitting on my butt during the Keister Olympics."
"No, of course I don't mind relocating. In fact, I've lived in eight or nine states in the past three months."
"My main attributes? I'm a team player, I'm creative, and I could expense account an organ grinder's monkey and sneak it past accounting."
"This casual Friday thing: Just how casual are we talkin' about?"
(John Kelso's humor column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays.)
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