Prose Version:
All The Details
(Conscious of It)
“head up my”
- this is what I go through -
I wonder if it’s just easier sometimes to think that you didn’t die, that you were just ignoring me. Would it be easier then? Would I think that maybe you’re somewhere missing me, feeling that hole in your heart where a relationship with me would go? Is it that way it’s supposed to be done? f you were alive you’d still want to call me. And that always bothered me then, but I miss it now. I want to be irritated with you, and I want to be able to talk to you, to pass the time with you, to know that you’re there to listen
Maybe if you were alive somewhere I could just be angry with you. Maybe then I wouldn’t miss you.
Maybe you know that I cared about you, and still do, maybe you know it hurt me when you were gone. It hurts me still
Maybe I should have gone to your funeral, maybe I should have seen your body, maybe I could have seen the color of your skin or the needle marks near your lips they used to put your mouth together. Maybe I needed to see these things
But I don’t know if I was ready; I still don’t know if I am ready. Maybe I wouldn’t have so much to say to you, maybe I wouldn’t expect you to come back
I wondered what it was like for you to be in pain, if you thought it was the end for you, if you knew what was going on. I got one of your earrings yesterday I think it was the last one you wore. I wanted to have something to remember you by other than these damn memories. We should have had more memories together you know. Maybe it’s better this way; I think this to keep me sane. But if everyone is right and you know my thoughts then I suppose you know what I go through
When I needed to talk to you, I called. Or you called me instead. It was almost like I had a brother there, who was always willing to listen to me, who was always wanting to put up with me. My question to you is this: were you always willing to put up with me? Did you think things would end this way
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